My Journey

Blessing Bags for Natasha

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I have partnered with FADV (Fight Against Domestic Violence) in the past and it has always been a movement I strongly believe in. This year, however, it has even more importance. My cousin was killed back in January by her ex during a child exchange. This was both devastating and shocking. I wanted to do something in my cousin’s memory.

I am doing a fundraiser to create Blessing Bags fro Marjie’s House (a local woman’s shelter) and also to donate money to FADV. I have partnered with a good friend, Laura who is a Posh consultant, so we can provide the best products possible for our blessing bags.

Marjie’s House is a joint project of the Housing Authority of Island County, the Opportunity Council and CADA. Located in Oak Harbor, WA. FADV generates resources for domestic violence service providers through corporate, individual, and community partnerships.

You have multiple options to help out:

$25 provides one blessing bag.

A bag full of personal care products delivered to Marjie’s House. It will include a Lacquer Strip set and a Big Fat Yummy Hand Cream, as well as grooming tools, dental care, and other items to bring comfort to a shelter resident.

$35 provides one blessing bag and either a Lacquer Strip or BFYHC for you

Not only will you provide a blessing to someone else you get a random Lacquer Strip OR Big Fat Yummy Hand Cream mailed to you with our thanks.

$45 provides one blessing bag and a Lacquer Strip and BFYHC plus a bonus gift for you

 Not only will you provide a blessing to someone else you get a random Lacquer Strip AND Big Fat Yummy Hand Cream, plus a bonus gift mailed to you with our thanks.

You can also donate a random amount of money to help our fundraiser. All funds will be used to provide as many blessing bags as possible. We will be donating any additional money as well as part of our commissions to FADV. Below you can find the Donate button for the Blessing Bags, and the links to our BeneYOU and Posh sites where you can order and commissions will go to FADV.

Riding the Rapids

Since I seem to be having the same conversation with clients, friends, and family, I thought that I might need to put this info into a blog for all those that may need it. We are in the middle of a lot of powerful astrological energies. Eclipses and retrogrades are all about the shadow side of things, meaning the things we don't want to look at, old patterns and dynamics that we need to revisit and let go of completely, and all the loose ends that need to be tied or the things that we were clinging to that need to be released before we move on to our next phase. This month, that focus seems to be on relationships.

So many couples fighting or splitting up, friendships falling apart, new relationships that trigger our fears, and old relationships (friends or lovers) coming back to be revisited. Really, the core is old dynamics. Do we want to repeat them or do we want to break out of them? You can sit and focus, blame, or resent the other person, but you are better off looking at yourself.

Our relationships reflect our inner world. If you are feeling disrespected, where are you disrespecting yourself? If you are feeling not heard, where are you not listening to yourself? If you are feeling abandoned or alone, where are you ignoring your own needs? Others should still be held accountable for their actions, and boundaries probably need to be made in some places, but you will find peace and healing the more you can focus back on yourself.

On the flip side of this, it is a time when true intimacy and connection can take place. Those that are operating from the same place as you will connect in new ways. New people will pop into your life and it will be like a missing piece falling into place. You will have the opportunity to feel truly seen, heard, and loved as long as you can get your head out of the way and be open and vulnerable enough to allow it.

No matter what, this time is going to push you forward and shake things up (sometimes literally, physically with natural disasters). The Fairies talked about this month being like riding white river rapids in the monthly message (read here). It's fast, intense, tumultuous, and can be scary or fun depending on how you want to look at it. You might be clinging to a boat that is carrying you down. You might feel like you got bucked from the boat and are being carried down. Either way, you will end up at the bottom of the river and make it out to sea.

If you find you are really struggling with this energy you might benefit from a Shadow Eclipse Reading. They can be found in the Store section as well as other services.

What if your healing was just to connect deeper to Divine love?

I was having a “why me?” moment the other night. Just revisiting my year so far, the grief, the loss, and the pain. I know there have been plenty of joys, too, but I was in a mood.

Then I heard, within, “What if your healing was just to connect deeper to Divine love?”

I wanted argue. My healing was about financial stability, achieving success, being healthy, thin, and strong. My healing was so I could experience joy and peace. Right?! Don't I create my reality? This is what I want. Like I said, I was in a mood.

“Is that what your ego wants or what your Divine self wants?”

Crap! I knew that was what my ego wanted. It wants to be successful, have money, be thin, strong......and all of the perfection it can imagine.

Now, let me say, the ego is NOT a negative aspect of ourselves or something that should be ignored. Well, you actually can't because the ego is our conscious mind. That's all it is. The self that experiences the singular self, alone, and disconnected. It's needed to help us function in this reality. Money, success, health, appearance, joy, fame, and anything else that the ego desires is not inherently bad. It is great to be grounded, create stability in your life, and have goals for growth. All these help support your experience here on earth. The issue arises when you think that's the goal.

Let's say you go to an amusement park. You ride several rides, eat yummy junk food, take pictures, and maybe see a show. If you thought the goal was to get food, you would have missed out on the rides. If you spent so much time hyper-focused on getting the perfect picture, you would miss the moments you were experiencing there. The outcome of the amusement park was tasting food, riding rides, experiencing joy, but none of those were the goal. The goal was to go experience the amusement park. One simple thing. Show up and immerse yourself in the experience of the amusement park. Now, you might have got kind of sick from the food or didn't like one of the rides or missed the show. Did you fail at experiencing the amusement park? Was it a waste of time? Well, if you thought the goal was just to see that show or ride that ride, then maybe it would feel that way. If your goal was to experience the park no matter what, then it wouldn't feel that way.

So, in this amusement park called life, where is your focus? When you look at your healing and growth, how do you measure it? Is it how well you have achieved a level of perfection in your mind of who you are? Is it the way your life, your body, or your house looks? Again, I ask, what if your healing was just to connect deeper to the Divine? Ego doesn't like that answer often. It feels like a useless focus. It sounds like you are going to go meditate on the mountain and detach from life. What this is really saying is detach from your expectation of the outcome and focus on the experience. Then when you are present in the experience, notice all the ways that the Divine is sending you a love note. It isn't grief and loss that brings the Divine closer, it's that those experiences bring us to surrender and make us present in the moment so we can experience what is already there. What we experience as struggle, pain, and life not working out the way we want is in fact us running from the present moment. It is us running from pain, from truth, and from love. When you accept a moment exactly as it is and allow yourself to be immersed in it, you see all the truth. It doesn't mean it will be pleasant. When I watched my mother have a heart attack or have a seizure, when I heard my cousin was murdered, and when I experienced some of the most excruciating physical pain ever, it was not pleasant, but I was present for each of those moments. When something intense and soul-shaking happens in your life, you can't help but be present. Your brain just stops. That state of shock opens you to everything that is happening without a judgment, just for a moment, and allows you to just be. On the flip side, so does great joy. The first time I held each of my children, presenting at a Faery Congress for the first time, going to concerts, making love, and being in the ocean in Hawaii, I felt these time-bending moments also. My life has been filled with times I stepped out of my head and felt connected to the Divine in love. Some would say I just experienced my Divine self as I am. Others would say I was experiencing the grace of the Holy Spirit. Or maybe I am embodying the Goddess. It does not matter what you want to label it, it is being aligned with Divine light within. It is detaching from what you expected and just being in that moment. Of course nobody is perfect and this will be a dance for us all. Reaching for an expectation and then releasing it. I leave with a poem. Hafiz was a Sufi poet in the 14th century. He speaks of the Divine love beautifully in most of his poems.


I Know The Way You Get


I know the way you can get

When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,

Your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned

About a strange look that appears in your eyes

Which even begins to worry your own mirror

And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness

And call an important conference in a tall tree.

They decide which secret code to chant

To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness

That arrays itself against the world

And throws sharp stones and spears into

The innocent

And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get

If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart

Every sentence your friends and teachers say,

Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale

Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure

From every angle in your darkness

The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once

Trusted.

I know the way you can get

If you have not had a drink from Love's

Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of

The vital need

To keep remembering God,

So you will come to know and see Him

As being so Playful

And Wanting,

Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:

Bring your cup near me.

For all I care about

Is quenching your thirst for freedom

All a Sane man can ever care about

Is giving Love! 

- Hafiz

Faith and Fear

Fear is the opposite of faith. You cannot be in fear and faith at the same time. Fear is taking ownership and control while faith is surrender. Fear tells you that you have to do something or not do something to keep yourself safe. Faith is knowing that safety is an illusion created to appease our ego-self that it has some sense of control. I know people who are very poor and people who are financially stable and both can be as afraid of homelessness as the other. Neither has safety, though they are trying to create it. Our minds are always looking for what will keep us safe. What choice is the right choice? The “safe” choice can even be a self-destructive one. That's because what is known and familiar feels safe. Even when this is actually abusive or hurtful.

So if safety is an illusion, then we must make the right choices to be good people, right? Good people is the goal? I would say no to this also. Kindness is often my goal, but what I see as kind might not seem kind to another person. Good, kind, safe, and stable are all subjective. Each can be defined many different ways depending on the person defining it. When we want to be good and kind or we strive for perfection, this is still an act of ego. Ego is not a bad thing, nor is striving to be good and kind. Just don't confuse that with your purpose or let it hold you back in life.

I have often found there are two kinds of scary in my life. There are the things, people, and situations that scare me out of self-preservation; they are harmful in some way. These can just be a gut feeling of danger and I steer clear. Example: I'm not about to jump in front of a bus. That fear protects me and has its purpose. Then there is the fear of the unknown, the fear of making a change by doing something different. My toes and feet get tingly whenever I'm about to take that risk. There are times I freeze up and get stopped in my tracks. It's when I get in alignment with faith that I can move forward.

For me, faith is trusting in a high knowing, that I'm walking a path that might at times be painful and feel hard, but it's exactly what my soul needs for its evolution. That I am Divine and the Divine is experiencing me, too. The fact that we are all The One and, no matter what, that never stops, and trusting all that energy is always shifting towards love, even when I act out in my dysfunction or try to sabotage myself or feel pain or try to hurt myself. Every moment, I am Divine, and so is everyone else. When we live in that acceptance, it allows us to be present with ourselves and surroundings and clearly see the guidance forward. It's an act of stepping out of judgment and into experiencing, being, and feeling. That is when wisdom and clarity comes. This is a dance and I only know a few that can maintain that way of being. I'm not one of them, but I do know I can choose it at any moment, and that gives me hope.

Rise Above the Fear

Fairy quote control.PNG

I recently was doing a reading for a client when the Fairies spoke this nugget of wisdom: “Humans who are not empowered use fear and crazy behavior to try and control those around them. When you rise above that energy, out of the fear, they cannot control you.”

In my experience, when you start setting boundaries, the people who have been benefiting from you not having boundaries will start to act out. This can be conscious, but it also happens subconsciously. We humans have trouble with change. So, it can be difficult to make the decision to create a boundary in the first place. Once you do, those around you will try old and new tactics to gain a sense of control. Generally, this is because they feel unsafe in the new dynamic. You can be compassionate and still hold your boundary.

When you create a boundary, make sure it is set knowing what you are willing and not willing to do. It is not about changing the other person's behavior, just your participation in their behavior. You must know what you will do if someone does not respect that boundary. Look for the best path to detach yourself from the situation. This can be easy to do when dealing with someone who is well-meaning, but unconscious or unaware of their behavior. This is harder to do with someone who is narcissistic, controlling, or manipulative.

These types of people are not interested in your best interest no matter how much they may say or even think they are. These types are merely looking to take care of their own feelings, wants, and desires at the cost of everyone around them. They may suffer from addiction or other mental disorders that exacerbate the situation. Often, it is our own fear that drives us to keep engaging in codependent behavior with them. I don't mean to demonize anyone who is like this. They, too, are suffering and it is why they are acting out in this way. You can have compassion for their suffering without enabling toxic behavior.

To rise above the fear, as the Fairies said, is really the only way out of those dynamics. Do you fear being punished by their anger or behavior? Do you think you cannot live without them financially, emotionally, or spiritually? Do you think you can't survive in the world alone? I would like to point out that rarely is anyone truly alone. Most people have jobs, family, friends, neighbors, that even if they are distant, could be called upon if needed. Also, if you were alone for a while, you might start to find like-minded people.

Even the most peaceful, spiritually-centered people can fall victim to codependency. In fact, I find it is often the people who are not trying to judge and love the world unconditionally that fall into these situations. It is good and generous to want to help and care for others. I'm not suggesting that you cut people off that need help or to stop being kind. You have to look honestly at your relationships. If you are honestly helping someone, then they are as invested in it getting better or reaching their goal as you. If you are being kind you shouldn't feel like you have been slapped in the face when you are done. Compassion and kindness have to start with yourself. You have to respect yourself enough to know your value. If someone does not value you and continues to take from you while also putting you down or making you feel shame, there is no kindness in that situation.

You deserve peace, love, kindness, and compassion. When you rise above the fear, you can see the Divine meaning behind the situation or relationship. You open yourself to guidance from the Universe of your next highest and best step. You gain clarity about what you want and deserve. It is freedom in surrender and peace within the chaos. You may not be able to change it all immediately, but you can start to shift gently forward, and soon you will find your way out.

qoute

Miracles

I have had people ask why I don't have testimonies on my site or talk about what has happened for others through my healing work. The truth, is I want every experience to be your experience. It doesn't matter what happens for another, only what happens for you. I have experienced miracles in healing sessions. I have had clients, friends, and family that have healed broken bones, headaches, migraines, insomnia, heart problems, allergies, rashes, and many emotional crisis. I also have had clients, friends, and family work on those issues and still struggle with them. I get to be a witness to the healing and help direct it some, but it is that person and God making it happen. Not me.

The biggest miracle I have witnessed was when my mother fell. She had a brain bleed. We rushed her to the hospital and while there, she had a grand mal seizure. She was air lifted to a hospital in Seattle. They did emergency brain surgery and took a half a cup of blood off her brain. After the surgery, they had her in a drug-induced coma because she was having constant nonclinical seizures. My dad had stayed with her the first night. The second night, I went to relieve him. I brought her big quartz crystal and laid it next to her in the bed. I contacted multiple healing circles I knew and asked for prayers and light sent. I spent the whole night doing Reiki and ThetaHealing. I didn't care if any nurses or doctors saw me and wondered what I was doing. The seizures stopped and they stopped the drug-induced coma. The doctors told us the outlook was grim and they were not sure if she would live. If she did, they weren't sure when she would be able to talk or use her limbs, if ever. They didn't know how much brain damage she had experienced. They didn't want us to be surprised if she was stuck in the hospital for a long time. I kept going. I just went into full healer mode. The next day she woke up, confused about why she was tied down and why there were tubes in her. I started talking to her and explaining what had been happening. She understood. She was totally conscious. Within a day, she had total control of her arms and legs. She had a lot that needed to heal, but within a couple months, she was completely back. Every doctor that had her as a patient has told her she was a miracle.

This is also why I talk about using both western medicine and alternative measures. I don't know that I could have stopped the brain bleed. Anything is possible, but I'm not willing to take that gamble. Also, the body is able to heal itself miraculously. When we hold space for God and witness it and trust, healing can happen.

Physical Weight is Connected to Emotional Weight

I have never considered myself a binge eater. I have never sat down and polished off a whole container of cookies or ice cream. I think the closest is almost eating a whole bag of chips once or twice. I also wasn't one to be sad and shovel food into my face. I'm sure my food consumption was effected by my emotions, but usually it was that I would get stressed or depressed and not eat all day. I have seen these behaviors in my family, as well as extreme dieting and yo-yo dieting, so I have tried to be conscious about my relationship with food.

After my first marriage and two pregnancies, I was overweight. Once I left him and started living my life the way I wanted to, I quickly dropped all the weight. No diets or exercise or any conscious choices. I remarried and had another child and easily lost that pregnancy weight. About a year after my daughter was born, I started having several issues that would take me years to figure out were Adenomyosis. One of these issues was weird weight gain. Over the course of several years, I gained a little over fifty pounds! I tried many things to shift the weight but nothing was working. January 29th 2018, I had a hysterectomy and assumed that once I had healed some, the weight would fall off. By June, it was pretty clear that was not happening. At that same time, the company I had been an independent consultant for was bought by another company and they had some weight loss supplements. I decided to try one called Burn since I obviously needed help. Amazingly to me, it worked.

I became more active and have had bouts of exercise, mostly Yoga, and only in the last couple weeks have I adjusted my diet at all. This was to help with a gallbladder issue. Still the weight came off and as of right now, I am 20 pounds lighter than I was in June, which is nice. Also healthier and stronger from the Yoga. So, I should be on cloud 9, right? Instead, I am angry and sad. As the weight comes off, its like layers of emotions rise to the surface.

A lot has happened in my life over the last 8 years and it feels like I am having to relive the emotional impact of them again. My mother had two brain surgeries and I became her full-time caregiver. Stress about my three children and all that comes with being a mother. Family issues since my husband, children, and I moved into my parent’s house where my two younger brothers live (they were only teenagers at the time). Heartache around friends and family I have had to let go from my life. Layer after layer. I have been angry at family, myself, God, The Fairies, and this spiritual path. I have felt sad and lost. Instead of feeling it at the time, I was in survival mode. I was pushing over those feelings and trying to keep my head out of water, and when that didn't work anymore, I was just learning to breathe underwater.

I once heard a powerful mother talk about taking care of her fatally ill child and doing everything possible to keep her alive a little longer. She said when the diagnosis came in and all the information about care, it was like trying to drink from a fire hose. It was the best description I had heard of my own life. I feel like I repeatedly have had to try to drink from a fire hose while it's pointed right at my face. I think many of you reading have your own version of drinking from a fire hose. The trauma, stress, and pain we feel that is so overwhelming we just shut down and do what we need to do to survive. Then we blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for not being thin enough, healthy enough, or successful enough. We forget to give ourselves credit for doing the hard things. The hard thing might be just getting up in the morning when all you want to do is break down and cry. Sometimes basic functioning is a success and you should give yourself credit for it.

So, if you are struggling with weight, I would suggest looking at the feelings you are stuffing even if you don't fit that stereotypical emotional binge eater. You can find the Burn in the store page on this site if you are interested in that. I have had two aunts that also have had success with it. Mostly, be gentle with yourself. It can be hard to find your sparkle, and every time you love yourself, you get a little more shimmer.

The Blessing in Pain

My cousin was murdered. It's a weird sentence to say or write. She didn't just die. It wasn't illness or an accident that took her from us. It was the decision of another person to end her life. She was murdered a week ago. I have had a whole week to try to process this information and I still am having trouble getting my brain to accept it. No matter the amount of spiritual and self-help work you do, you can't always accept everything that happens.

I could make this post about my anger. It could be about how angry I am that our country has not done enough to stop this kind of thing from happening. I am angry about the state of gun laws, of violence against women, about the lack of support and protection for women in dangerous circumstances, the lack of mental health opportunities, and how voices are silenced. I am angry at the man who took her life and then his own. I have even been angry at God and all the powers of the Universe. Being spiritual doesn't stop you from being angry at times.

I could make this post about grief. How, no matter who you are, you will have versions of the stages of grief when you experience loss. That grief is not just feeling sad but feeling everything. You cycle through anger, sadness, numbness, peace, joy, and then back again. In fact, it's like being bounced around from emotion to emotion with no sort of order to follow. Grief is an experience that you move through and just keep moving through and it keeps changing. No amount of guidance or meditation will stop this.

Instead, I want to talk about pain. We try to stop the pain in ourselves and in others all the time. If we see someone crying or expressing discomfort, we ask how we can make it stop. We try to stop our own pain. We use drugs (prescription or not), alcohol, food, entertainment, sex, and whatever will shift our mood for a moment to escape it. We want to numb out and tune out. This is a natural response. Pain often means danger or death or a sign that something is wrong. Of course the natural response is to avoid it. Pain is also a doorway for us to walk through. Every painful experience has led me to new growth with my soul, deeper meaning in my life, a new understanding of myself and the world around me, and the birth of something new.

Pain brings truth, clarity, and brings us right into the present moment. That can sometimes be the cause of the pain. If we are in denial and avoiding, then we don't even realize what the pain is about. We might blame others or pretend to be happy when inside we feel like we our drowning. When we allow ourselves to sit with the pain, we can start to release and find peace. It is often our resistance and fighting or shoving the pain down that causes the pain to be so harsh. Emotional pain and physical pain can be better if you can relax into it. Let the tears flow. Let yourself wail if you need to. Open yourself to release the pain and birth forward something new.

The pain is a blessing, too. It means we are alive! It means we are experiencing life at its fullest. It means we are being honest with ourselves and living in alignment with our true feelings. The pain is only temporary when we feel it. This allows it to morph and change. It is holding onto pain and trying not to feel it that keeps it around forever. That said, there are some pains that will never fully leave, but we can embrace them as part of ourselves and make peace still. So, please feel your pain, embrace it, make peace with it, and watch it transform you.

Finding Myself

There are dark times on every path. These last few years seem to be heavy with the dark moments. I feel like I have lost a bit of myself and my soul over the last few years. My mother had two brain surgeries, one planned and one emergency. Don't get me wrong, we experienced miracles in the last few years. She almost died multiple times. We weren't sure she would be able to even talk again after her fall and brain bleed. A lot of healing was done by many healers, myself, and doctors and nurses. But in all of that, there were a lot of nights sleeping for only a few hours in a chair or on a lumpy cot. Nights of no sleep due to worry or due to keeping mom calm while dealing with hallucinations. Nights of being on call in case she needed help or something happened. Nights away from my husband and children. The medical procedures all had new things for me to learn for care at home. It seemed like there was always a new stress or condition or procedure to prepare for. I recently heard this described as trying to drink from a fire house. I think that describes it well.

Finally mom got sable. She still needs constant care due to poor eyesight and inability to walk, but she is stable. So, in February, I had a hysterectomy to deal with Adenomyosis. I couldn't take the physical pain of that anymore. Going through that recovery process, I realized that I did not have much support. I also realized that I had lost me along the way. Between my own pain and the stress of my mother's health, I had become less me. I liked to have fun and be social, but instead I was isolating and stressed all the time. My kids had lost that mom. My daughter even made comments about how I was grumpy or sad or serious all the time.

I can sit here and blame situations or people, but it was my doing. I stopped fighting for me. I kept giving away bits of myself and not asking for anything in return. I knew I had to shift. I'm still in this shift. I'm slowly reclaiming myself back, but I am allowing myself space to grow into more. This last week, I went to a Conference for my direct sales business. It was powerful and fun. The most important part was I felt like my old self. I was being silly, loud, dancing, singing, and having a good time.

Yes, we all have the dark times that make us want to give up or sell our souls. It's easy to let go of hope and cave in to the darkness. Instead, I invite you to rest. This can be sleep or just letting your soul rest. Don't let anyone define this for you. Whatever brings you joy and eases your soul, embrace it! Then start reprogramming your brain. Question everything if you have to. What are your motives? Why do you react the way you do? What do you really want? Help yourself believe once again in yourself. Find your sparkle!