Finding Myself

There are dark times on every path. These last few years seem to be heavy with the dark moments. I feel like I have lost a bit of myself and my soul over the last few years. My mother had two brain surgeries, one planned and one emergency. Don't get me wrong, we experienced miracles in the last few years. She almost died multiple times. We weren't sure she would be able to even talk again after her fall and brain bleed. A lot of healing was done by many healers, myself, and doctors and nurses. But in all of that, there were a lot of nights sleeping for only a few hours in a chair or on a lumpy cot. Nights of no sleep due to worry or due to keeping mom calm while dealing with hallucinations. Nights of being on call in case she needed help or something happened. Nights away from my husband and children. The medical procedures all had new things for me to learn for care at home. It seemed like there was always a new stress or condition or procedure to prepare for. I recently heard this described as trying to drink from a fire house. I think that describes it well.

Finally mom got sable. She still needs constant care due to poor eyesight and inability to walk, but she is stable. So, in February, I had a hysterectomy to deal with Adenomyosis. I couldn't take the physical pain of that anymore. Going through that recovery process, I realized that I did not have much support. I also realized that I had lost me along the way. Between my own pain and the stress of my mother's health, I had become less me. I liked to have fun and be social, but instead I was isolating and stressed all the time. My kids had lost that mom. My daughter even made comments about how I was grumpy or sad or serious all the time.

I can sit here and blame situations or people, but it was my doing. I stopped fighting for me. I kept giving away bits of myself and not asking for anything in return. I knew I had to shift. I'm still in this shift. I'm slowly reclaiming myself back, but I am allowing myself space to grow into more. This last week, I went to a Conference for my direct sales business. It was powerful and fun. The most important part was I felt like my old self. I was being silly, loud, dancing, singing, and having a good time.

Yes, we all have the dark times that make us want to give up or sell our souls. It's easy to let go of hope and cave in to the darkness. Instead, I invite you to rest. This can be sleep or just letting your soul rest. Don't let anyone define this for you. Whatever brings you joy and eases your soul, embrace it! Then start reprogramming your brain. Question everything if you have to. What are your motives? Why do you react the way you do? What do you really want? Help yourself believe once again in yourself. Find your sparkle!